Well it's been a month since the last time I wrote, and I figured I'd better post something before I lose my enormous fan base (wink, wink). Here are some hilarious newspaper clippings I found (I have no idea it they were actually published anywhere).

• Washer. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed -- $100.
• Snow blower for sale. Only used on snowy days.
• Free puppies. Part German Shepherd, part dog.
• Free puppies: part Cocker Spaniel, part sneaky neighbor's dog
• Full-sized mattress. 20-year warranty. Like new. Slight urine smell.
• Found: dirty white dog. Looks like a rat. Been out for a while. Better be reward.
• Nice parachute. Never opened. Used once. Slightly stained.
• Free Yorkshire Terrier. Eight years old. Unpleasant little dog.
• Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 - $9 per hour.